Welcome to my brain.

Hello. My name is Dave Grant. I’m sure you’ve heard of me.

No? Well, FUCK YOU TOO! I don’t have to take this shit! GET OUT!

No, no, no, wait… Wait, come back. I’m sorry. Really, I am. I forgive you. Let’s be friends. Can I offer you a drink? Maybe a sandwich?

Anyway, about five years ago, I decided to start a website. Like every other egomaniacal, pretentious twat on the internet, I felt like my opinion mattered and damn it, I wanted everyone to hear it. So I started a website called Films That Witness Madness. It was a place where I could write about exploitation films, my own little internet home where I could openly trash people’s favorite movies and not have to deal with their hissy fits and hurt feelings. Over those five years, I put together close to 150 reviews. That might not seem like a lot to you (and you’re right) but I was damn proud of it. Well, proud of some of it.

Sometime in September 2013, I thought about shutting down the website. As it was designed solely for the purpose of reviewing exploitation films, I was limited in what I could write about. Sure, I could have expanded the site to include Bergman films and artsy-fartsy French films but then the name of the place wouldn’t fit very well. Films That Witness Madness doesn’t sound like the kind of place you’d go to read my brilliant opinions of Smiles of a Summer Night, does it? I mulled it over for a long time. Did I really want to scrap five years of work? Turns out, yes. Yes, I did.

I also run a Tumblr called exploiting Exploitation. As my webhost was all like “you can DESCRIBE the titties but you can’t SHOW the titties”, I decided to turn to what is, in all honesty, the most pro-pornography mainstream site the internet has to offer. The Tumblr is used to share adult movie posters and pressbooks for more mainstream fare and it allowed me a place to discuss things that would have made my webhosts a little nervous. Unfortunately, Tumblr isn’t the best place to start conversations and post reviews. That isn’t the purpose of Tumblr. So instead of just starting another Tumblr, I decided to come over here. So here I am. I closed one site and opened another.

I didn’t have to program a damn thing here, which was nice. It’s also free. You know what it costs to run a website. Like 90 bucks! 90 GODDAMN BUCKS!!! You know how much DLC I could buy for SimCity for 90 bucks? Neither do I and I’m not about to find out because that game is shit.

A-n-y-w-a-y… Here I am, ready to entertain the couple dozen of you who will periodically read this blog when I hound you on Facebook or start carpet bombing forums. When I left Films That Witness Madness to the dustbin of internet history, I was averaging 200,000+ views a month. I highly doubt I’ll top that here but honestly, I don’t care. Because here I can write all about whatever the hell I want. And I will. I’ll write about video games, comic books, movies, music… Just whatever I want. That’s a good thing. Because you desperately need to know what goes on inside my head. Believe me, it’s scary as fuck but entertaining in that David Lynch/crack addict kind of way.

So applaud me. I deserve it. And applaud yourself for finding this blog. You deserve it. Just applaud. Go ahead. Fuck it. Tell the universe you’re so damn grateful for it existing that you’re just going to slap your hands together for a few minutes while giggling like a psycho. You’ll genuinely feel better about life if you just take the time to clap more. I promise.

Posting will begin regularly starting Monday. Or Tuesday. One or the other. I can’t promise I’ll post every single day. I have important things to do, you know? The web isn’t going to surf itself. I’m sure at some point I’ll start getting comments and that’s cool. I’m a nice enough guy. I can get along with pretty much anyone. So feel free to drop comments. Follow me over to Tumblr and look at boobies and pressbooks. Follow me over to Google+ and give me a damn reason to use that sack of shit. Just stop by every once and awhile to say hi. I’ll say hi back.

And I guess that’s it for now. Nice to meet you. Hope to see you again sometime. You’re lovely. Your face is very symmetrical. And I like that in a person.