January 25, 2017


KIDNAPPED GIRLS AGENCY might as well have been called TYING KNOTS: THE MOVIE. It is ostensibly a soft core porno with a BDSM bent. I don't know much about the BDSM scene. I prefer my sex like I prefer every other avenue of my life, pain free. I don't take much pleasure in watching people having pins shoved through their breasts or drooling from behind ball gags. I get that BDSM is quote-unquote safe sadism with a particular and emphatic emphasis on consent but… It's just not for me. Turns out, neither is this film.

It's not for anyone really. I can't imagine BDSM lovers getting much of a thrill out of it, especially when there are much better films out there that deal with that kind of thing. Given that we're living in the internet age, softcore porn itself is kind of pointless. Back when I was a kid, softcore porn was a godsend. These days it's like eating a bowl of cereal without the cereal. And what's a bowl of cereal without the cereal? It's just a goddamn bowl of milk. 

Now that analogy was awful, but so is this movie. Why is that important? It's not. I'm just trying to avoid writing this review.

The only reason this movie is worth watching is for Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer. In 1985, Quigley was fresh out of SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT and Bauer was fresh out of porn. On any normal day, the presence of either Scream Queen would be enough to get my blood rushing, but KIDNAPPED GIRLS AGENCY is so irredeemably awful that neither actress can save it. Quigley plays Cathy, a college aged girl who is kidnapped by Vera, her ex-step mother, and held for ransom. Vera has a co-conspirator named Brett. The two deviants tie Cathy up in some rope and transport her to the Whip and Chains Club, a BDSM themed sex dungeon of sorts. They also kidnap Tina, Cathy's roommate, subjecting her to the same bondage and light whipping.

Cathy's father contacts the titular Kidnapped Girls Agency, a two person operation specializing in finding, you guessed it, kidnapped girls. As Vera and Brett wait for the ransom to come in, they flirt with the idea of selling the girls to sex traffickers. Luckily, the bumbling head of the KGA, played by the films writer/director, and his sexy assistant, played by Bauer, arrive just in the nick of time, sparing Tina from a rape via strap-on. Cathy is then rescued, shoots Brett dead and the film just ends. Viva la cinema.

This film is 60 minutes long. 40 of those 60 minutes is spent watching a man tie up a woman. Then they untie her, lightly flog her with a whip and then tie her up again. Then they do the same thing to another woman. And then they do it all over again. Like, I get it. This is a fetish movie and while I know for a fact that a lot of people like watching this sort of thing. I am not one of those people. By the 45 minute mark, I swore that if I watched one more person draw one more knot I would tie my own rope.

Around my neck.

But the thing is, this could have been sexy. Naked women usually are, especially when those naked woman include Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer. But this film is a shot on video, low effort affair.
It's difficult to find a scene sexually or emotionally arousing when you can see the director's hand clasping the side of the lens as the scene plays out. That's bad enough, but nearly every scene in this film is shot with actors in profile with little to no editing or movement of the camera. There's very little film in this film, just stationary camera work, shoddy audio and little in the way of anything other than tying goddamn knots for 40 minutes.

Things do perk up a bit in the finale when writer/director (and self proclaimed kung fu cinema guru) Ric Meyers, a man who has either the most celebratory Wikipedia page ever or, depending on who actually wrote it, the most masturbatory Wikipedia page ever, and Michelle Bauer enter the film in force. At that point, KIDNAPPED GIRLS AGENCY becomes a campy sex comedy, albeit one with wannabe white slave traders as lead villains. But it's all too little too late, I'm afraid, because even the inclusion of strap-on slapstick can't wash away the horrid taste of the proceeding 40 minutes of unappealing amateur fetish porn.

So again, I'm not quite sure who the hell I would ever recommend this film to. It certainly isn't fun or sexy. It most definitely isn't well made. And if you're into BDSM, there are much better films out there for you to watch. Just skip this one and rent MAITRESSE instead.

Although KIDNAPPED GIRLS AGENCY does have 100% less dicks being nailed to boards so… Take that into consideration when you choose between the two.

No comments:

Post a Comment